It's currently less than a week out from Christmas and only recently have I found myself with the time to slow down and reflect on what has been a year and a half of achieving and smashing goals as I look back on my last post here 1.5 years ago post Canada. Dad was up early as usual, up and out of the house for work at 530am. Mum and I have started a nice little routine taking 630am walks around the new neighbourhood here in Blacktown. Jimbois officially moved in with Courtney (my soon to be sister in law but she doesn't know that yet!) and with her family in Mascot. It's nice to see little brother achieving and hitting goals as well - I always knew he would.
There really isn't anywhere to start since I came from Canada and since the last post in here but lets rewind back into time...
Canada was fresh, mind was buzzing and body was full of energy as I spent a couple of weeks after landing back in Sydney to recoup and plan my next few moves. It started by recognising and prioritising some things that needed doing - mainly paying off my debt that I'd started some 6 years earlier when I bought the yellow Renault. The first thing I did was implement the skills and strategies I'd learnt by reading the Barefoot Investor. A fantastic book that I'm sure has impacted several generations for the better. Where once upon a time money was a drag it was a chance to further empower myself after I'd just conquered my health woes. The biggest lesson I took away from that book was in the words of "Pay yourself first" - the book talks about putting money aside for yourself to enjoy guilt free and to only then use the balance to douse all the other financial commitments. The line itself is simple but its the perspective that rang true. I set up my budget as usual, called upon old debts I had and paid everyone and everything back by August 2019. Credit Cards all cancelled by November 2019. Debt free for the first time in 7 years. BOOM. Goal achieved.
My ability to work on my financial goals started with picking up casual work through a couple of agencies and several casual pools. ASEPS, OrthoAngels, Chris O'Brien Lifehouse and Westmead Childrens Hospital. I ended up working so much and so hard it reminded me of why I put a hiatus on nursing to begin with which landed me my job at Zimmerbiomet - the one thing I took away that I am forever thankful for is Sarah whom I met at Campbeltown Private Hospital during one of my agency nursing stints. The sweetest most thoughtful person I have met period.
Sarah and I have been dating to date for just over 1.5 years. This girl is the one I've spent this entire time convincing her that a proposal won't happen for another few years. She's a smart girl and I'm sure she's got her suspicions - I've bought the ring already. A very memorable moment though is when I asked her dad for permission to marry her. We were out on one of our early morning fishing-kayak sessions at Appletree bay along the Hawkesbury river. On the water by 630am we were out for a few hours and spent the whole time thinking of how to break it to him. Our morning was cut short however without a single fish in sight so we decided to fall back to his project boat conveniently moored at Appletree. We brought the boat around to the pontoon and helped him load the microwave, said hello to a few snooty locals but carried on. After all the work was done we had some coffee out on the back enjoying the rising morning sun. Now, I have had this moment played out in my head many times over leading up to this moment and if there was one thing I was fairly confident about it would be my confidence. But no, I quickly found myself nervous with an increase in heart rate haha but I asked - "Pete, Sarah and I have been dating for awhile now and I'd love nothing more than to be able to propose and marry her with your permission" - It was definitely one of those moments that I will remember for the rest of my life not only for myself but also for Peter as a Dad to Sarah. I was a nervous wreck but his face shone and lit up with the biggest smile I think I'd ever seen him with. The rest of the conversation to follow was a bit of a blur but we spoke about families, future and the good and expected challenges. I appreciated his opinion and words of advice. We have some good times in Japow 2020 to come :) I also got Sarah a big F**K O** stone for a ring! can't believe they cost so much but I guess it just means the bigger the smile :D
I think with everything good that's happened I always have to take a step and talk about the journey to this point - it hasn't been easy. Enjoyable but not the ideal journey television and social media/pressures seem to define the benchmark. I have had a long history of being single in my mind and time has been furious having gone by in a blink of an eye. What I've learn't about myself was that I was truly fractured in the slightest of ways from all of the experiences I've had in the past. Things that may not affect some people but definitely had an effect on me. Not just with past relationships, but friends and family relationships. In amongst all of that the greatest victim was my trust for people. The output of this lacking part of myself was the sense of entitlement I developed over the years to disregard other peoples feelings as of no consequence from my own actions. I've met some fantastic women along the way and have had the pleasure to indulge in momentary connections but I almost always hurt someone and at the time, I honestly did not care or ignored with effort. That wasn't/isn't me and it's a thought that always at the back of my mine.
Sarah has shown me only the best of what people have to offer and every time I see her I am reminded of how lucky I am to accept me for who I am even with all of my shortcomings and so here is the next life lesson learnt. Relationships take time to manifest and develop but in Sarah not only have I found someone who I genuinely can trust but I've also unexpectedly found someone who I want to build and walk through life with. Isn't that a fantastic present for 2019? We've bought a house a few weeks ago and I can't wait to get on with life and see what 2020 will bring.
Head down, thumbs up. With the right people. :)
Thursday 19 December 2019
Wednesday 25 April 2018
Mountain Air Goodness
Tunes are playing on this gorgeous Autumn day. For the first time in weeks it hasn't been so humid - summer must of been quite a scorcher this season. Spotify is spitting some 'Groovy' tunes whilst I try to brainstorm tracks for Groovy Gentlemens Corner. Dads out buying pork and chicken rolls and mums in the loungeroom watching the Anzac Memorial service. I'm effectively back to the 'normal' routine.
It's been 3 odd weeks now since I've come back from Canada and the 17/18 winter season at Big White and thought to write something to reflect on the last half year past. I often dreaded the thought of having to come back and the magic of what was Big White would fade. Whilst the magic hasn't faded I do find it hard to keep the momentum going as I get reminded once more of the dreaded 'routine' everyone in the city have to endure. That's a realisation I made whilst on the mountain, out the 80% of the aussie staff on the mountain I can count less than 10 people I met who were from Sydney. Everyone is very much in a bubble around here - or just living life? maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer? Who knows.
Big White has been to date the best thing I have done for myself. In mind, body and spirit it was the most perfect note to end a tumultuous last 3 years with. I even finally got around to receiving my Canadian tattoo which by the same token acts as a commemorative piece. The fresh mountain air I can never tire from - from walking to work, to snowboard, to have a big night out with the crew fresh air for some poor lungs in recovery was a great little recipe. The biggest trouble I had on days off was whether to sleep in or snowboard. Love it. Despite a crazy landlord shifting the experience of living in the place that I did there isn't anything that beats a proper ski in and ski out residence like I had. I don't expect to be spoilt the same way next time though!
I always expected and looked forward to meeting people and gaining some new friends but by far the biggest surprise and most enlightening was just that. The entire team were memorable in the best way possible bar a couple of interesting characters but that digresses from the point. Brianna and our love for Chet Fakers cover of 'Lover'. To the bromance I had with the fellas on the team - even the Kiwi boys were particularly special. Barb, such an amazing woman - she had the best head on her shoulders. Steele turned out to be a decent guy after he decided to relax a little. Still not entirely sure how I feel about his management style that's more my own problem than anything else. Suffice to say, we had the smallest team on the mountain yet we shut it doownnn. Who breaks a lane, starts fights with the supervisor and ultimately gets kicked out of the bowling alley. I know Tequila/Sambucca was involved but will never know the real culprit ... #TKTTS
I walked away from the mountain at the end of the day with family. The best of connections and peoples friendships that I'll obviously remember and cherish. They're a crazy bunch. I'm late to the game as usual but I certainly enjoyed myself, had to revert back to 23 year old me for awhile there. I felt like a big brother but I'm glad there were a few in the same age bracket who I could enjoy some *those* good quality conversation with. Naomi was awesome, Beau , Liam and to a certain degree Patrick. I envy those at that age who have thought about travelling and doing a season - all I did at that age was burn cash money, drinking away nights that I can't remember, with people who I don't talk to anymore for an image that never lasted. I guess I just like to dance after all! Big White was no different to any place for that reason - just dance was the lesson as it always has been. In another significant way, it was refreshing to be amongst people on the same wave length, those that know how to be happy without the creature comforts, I met people of all walks and backgrounds all mashed together on the hill. Angel still is one my favourite people on the hill for the reasons that the average person cannot fathom - I'm alittle quirky like that. Brianna and Nikita for all the love they could give and Grace! an absolute soul mate - I saw that because we have a crazy connect yet I barely spent time with her. Absolute legends the lot of them.
Cole and Sage need a mention also, the two Canadian peeps from Sunshine Coast and Manitoba. A very odd couple I decided from the start but I accepted maybe opposites do attract in that sense. I was right after all - prior to the season ending all hell broke loose. They broke up and Sage ended up with one of my housemates, whether that's something I agree with they're both happy at the end of the day I suppose. Cole is destined for good things but needs to keep his ego in check - I can handle it but I can imagine how it could rub people the wrong way. Absolute gentlemen otherwise. Sage, I found her annoying for the most part of the season but the sweetest and most generous of people I've met recently, I guess I just don't have time for petty games that alot of late teens and early 20s tend to play which she did. Andrew, mr Kutasi is good man. ha should of not moved into 101 though not for me but for all the other reasons!
Bona was cool, Zik is a dude, Sargeant is questionable but my favourite little old veggie patch queen hailing from Geelong. My absolute FAV and the best soul on the hill, Emily. She had not a harmful bone in her body with a persona that radiates only the best energy. Naive but with the greatest attitude she is destined for great things if I haven't already said that myself. It's interesting to see how I read people over these past few years - my experience in Canada would definitely have been different had I done it at their age. I'm quite thankful life worked out the way it did. It's got a funny habit for looking out for me like that and God? I'm sure you're out there and I thank you too.
As with everything good - it must come to and an end and my trip to Canada ended before I could blink. I always say to people whilst it may have seemed I just left yesterday it's because the status quo remains and nothing ever changes - of course 6 months would pass by in a flash. My time on the hill however seemed so much longer, so much more fulfilling. I've decided that's the way (the right way) I want to live my life more now than ever before.
It's been 3 odd weeks now since I've come back from Canada and the 17/18 winter season at Big White and thought to write something to reflect on the last half year past. I often dreaded the thought of having to come back and the magic of what was Big White would fade. Whilst the magic hasn't faded I do find it hard to keep the momentum going as I get reminded once more of the dreaded 'routine' everyone in the city have to endure. That's a realisation I made whilst on the mountain, out the 80% of the aussie staff on the mountain I can count less than 10 people I met who were from Sydney. Everyone is very much in a bubble around here - or just living life? maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer? Who knows.
Big White has been to date the best thing I have done for myself. In mind, body and spirit it was the most perfect note to end a tumultuous last 3 years with. I even finally got around to receiving my Canadian tattoo which by the same token acts as a commemorative piece. The fresh mountain air I can never tire from - from walking to work, to snowboard, to have a big night out with the crew fresh air for some poor lungs in recovery was a great little recipe. The biggest trouble I had on days off was whether to sleep in or snowboard. Love it. Despite a crazy landlord shifting the experience of living in the place that I did there isn't anything that beats a proper ski in and ski out residence like I had. I don't expect to be spoilt the same way next time though!
I always expected and looked forward to meeting people and gaining some new friends but by far the biggest surprise and most enlightening was just that. The entire team were memorable in the best way possible bar a couple of interesting characters but that digresses from the point. Brianna and our love for Chet Fakers cover of 'Lover'. To the bromance I had with the fellas on the team - even the Kiwi boys were particularly special. Barb, such an amazing woman - she had the best head on her shoulders. Steele turned out to be a decent guy after he decided to relax a little. Still not entirely sure how I feel about his management style that's more my own problem than anything else. Suffice to say, we had the smallest team on the mountain yet we shut it doownnn. Who breaks a lane, starts fights with the supervisor and ultimately gets kicked out of the bowling alley. I know Tequila/Sambucca was involved but will never know the real culprit ... #TKTTS
I walked away from the mountain at the end of the day with family. The best of connections and peoples friendships that I'll obviously remember and cherish. They're a crazy bunch. I'm late to the game as usual but I certainly enjoyed myself, had to revert back to 23 year old me for awhile there. I felt like a big brother but I'm glad there were a few in the same age bracket who I could enjoy some *those* good quality conversation with. Naomi was awesome, Beau , Liam and to a certain degree Patrick. I envy those at that age who have thought about travelling and doing a season - all I did at that age was burn cash money, drinking away nights that I can't remember, with people who I don't talk to anymore for an image that never lasted. I guess I just like to dance after all! Big White was no different to any place for that reason - just dance was the lesson as it always has been. In another significant way, it was refreshing to be amongst people on the same wave length, those that know how to be happy without the creature comforts, I met people of all walks and backgrounds all mashed together on the hill. Angel still is one my favourite people on the hill for the reasons that the average person cannot fathom - I'm alittle quirky like that. Brianna and Nikita for all the love they could give and Grace! an absolute soul mate - I saw that because we have a crazy connect yet I barely spent time with her. Absolute legends the lot of them.
Cole and Sage need a mention also, the two Canadian peeps from Sunshine Coast and Manitoba. A very odd couple I decided from the start but I accepted maybe opposites do attract in that sense. I was right after all - prior to the season ending all hell broke loose. They broke up and Sage ended up with one of my housemates, whether that's something I agree with they're both happy at the end of the day I suppose. Cole is destined for good things but needs to keep his ego in check - I can handle it but I can imagine how it could rub people the wrong way. Absolute gentlemen otherwise. Sage, I found her annoying for the most part of the season but the sweetest and most generous of people I've met recently, I guess I just don't have time for petty games that alot of late teens and early 20s tend to play which she did. Andrew, mr Kutasi is good man. ha should of not moved into 101 though not for me but for all the other reasons!
Bona was cool, Zik is a dude, Sargeant is questionable but my favourite little old veggie patch queen hailing from Geelong. My absolute FAV and the best soul on the hill, Emily. She had not a harmful bone in her body with a persona that radiates only the best energy. Naive but with the greatest attitude she is destined for great things if I haven't already said that myself. It's interesting to see how I read people over these past few years - my experience in Canada would definitely have been different had I done it at their age. I'm quite thankful life worked out the way it did. It's got a funny habit for looking out for me like that and God? I'm sure you're out there and I thank you too.
As with everything good - it must come to and an end and my trip to Canada ended before I could blink. I always say to people whilst it may have seemed I just left yesterday it's because the status quo remains and nothing ever changes - of course 6 months would pass by in a flash. My time on the hill however seemed so much longer, so much more fulfilling. I've decided that's the way (the right way) I want to live my life more now than ever before.
Friday 10 November 2017
Day 1. Van City baby!
Date: 9th November. 2017
Time in: 1359
Sun was shining. Messages flowing in from all walks of my life so far. Thoughtful, kind messages fired through endlessly in the last couple of days and continue to do so even now. Message from good ol bestie Jen to say she couldn't make it with bubba (sadface) but all the same, the day to leave was at hand and still felt surreal.
We didn't have a sit down breakfast - just a quick getaway to the airport. Lucky we did because it was bumper to bumper when we left the house - quick detour around the outside taking the path past Sydenham station and we were well on our way.
Come the airport it was all very routine until the first instance where reality kicked in - at check in I really started to think and feel for my fambam. Wilan even surprised visited too which was unexpected. Dude is a family member to us and I'm glad I got to see him before I left - means a lot nahmean. I ate food and before you knew it we were at the departure gates.
I couldn't help but get teary, as I hugged mum about 3 times I could feel her start to cry and it hit it right it mattered and I could feel a little something something in my eyes - saying bye to mum dad and brother were the hardest thing to do in the world. Even as I type this I can feel it welling it up somewhat. In true form dad kept it together, my brother joked around and mum kept it together so well in a very surprising/heartbreaking sort of way. This is the first time I'd leave and not see the family for a time longer than 1 month. The fact that I'm not sure when I'll be back makes it all the more harder.
But alas - as my bestmate Mark mentioned the "Spirit can't be held down" kept reminding me it's the next best and only step I need to take to really set off on this adventure called life. Call it all sentimental and shit but that's how it is. To care means to include emotion, the fiery nature that I have is very much intertwined with my emotions and as me as a person. I often find that people place the greatest effort in trying to be immovable and completely inert to emotion which I find dangerous. We are all emotional human beings at the end of the day and to deny that part of you for fear of what others may think is unnecessary. Love, hate, care - show it. It's actually quite empowering and gives so much more clarity to how we view life. 'Perspective' if you will.
Day 1 and I'm on a good steady momentum, doing what I've learnt most in previous solo travels - set yourself up, keep busy, research your surroundings and most important of all - put yourself out there which I am still learning to do and will absolutely nail in time. I ended up meeting my roomies lastnight. 2 German 19yr old kids straight out of highschool. We all walked down to the water lastnight and visited "Weeds" dispensary - like a kid in a candy store I ended up getting 1g of Bruce Banner (a derivative of Incredible Hulk strain). Stopped by this sweet spot by the water and lit one. Best hangout. The water and cityscape of Vancouver is something to behold. Such a beautiful place in the day or night. Random ironic observation. I believe it was the same water/cityscape views that Helen told me about that Susie fell in love with earlier this year - something I could instantly understand. I hope we cross paths at some point in time. Would love to see her again.
SIN number sorted, mobile phone with Koodo set up and Bank account set up as well. We're ready to get rocking up in hurrrrr. Might go for a hike tomorrow or sketch by the water where the boys and hungout lastnight. Who knows. And that's my greatest problem to date. Love it.
Checkout 1415
Thursday 28 September 2017
It's an exciting time to be alive. The 30s Club
1438 -
Suns out. Relatively overcast. 25 degrees or so. Surry hills bustling with the
usual crowd, businessman talking money, hipsters, a stack of foreigners
visiting and the typical funky feel that an area like this provides, along with
the lack of parking. Spring is in the air and the trees are starting to bud
once more. The ambience of what is to be the best part of every year is coming.
I turned
30 years old yesterday morning at precisely 0810. I didn't think my 30s would
be a momentus happening and for the most part I still feel the same as I sit
here now - typing this at some Surry Hills cafe. I don’t quite understand nor
felt the ‘30s’ hype that many people go on about. I still don’t. So many people
treat 30 as the end of something so intangibly important – that is the 20s.
However I look forward and am absolutely stoked with the unknown and what the
next decade will bring. Having gone through the high of highs like N2S, meeting
my love(s) of my life and most recently witnessing the birth of the most
incredible little human beings that belong to some of my closest circles –
Carter and Khalila. It’s a sign that times are passing, chapters are turning
and that everyone at the end of the day are in it for their own ride through
what we call life.
My
sickness from 2015 through to 2017 was a low point in my life so far. Besides
battling through legal issues to do with my car, the lawyers and smashies all
taking chunks of monetary flesh off me I also had the added stress of learning
how to become a NUM. To most it may seem trivial what I had to go through –
perhaps they just don’t understand because it was that far deep? But I
certainly came out a more rounded person – but not totally unscathed. It
surprises me to how far my resilience could take me. I always knew I was a
little bit of a hard ass/headed, but that all came rushing to my aid when shit
went south. Twice, I went through cancer scares and twice I got through it as
smooth as anyone could. Funnily enough I think the biggest stresses in my life
was to do with work. An amazing challenge, but not a job for the feint of
heart. To really dig deep and add a dose of passion to what you do really takes
out of the individual in a place monopolised by politics and self interest. It
would be naïve for me to think that it is something unique to Royal Prince
Alfred hospital but truth is that’s all I’ve ever known and that it is
something common to most places. What am I going to do about it? Leave and find
my own way, create my own ‘thing’ where I can call the shots. Nothing
frustrates me more than seeing a problem, providing a solution – then being red
taped because someone doesn’t want to look bad for not having thought of it
first? Simple shit like that shouldn’t exist. Perhaps I’m just too much of an
idealist but that’s a focus I’ve decided to take on for myself, after all. We
all just want to be a better person right. All in all, the last few years can
be compared to my psycho ex girlfriend when I was 19. The only psycho I’ve ever
dated. She put me through my paces, broke me down to mental smithereens but I
put myself together again and came out better than ever. That’s how I see my
last few years in the 20s and am forever thankful.
Friends.
This is an interesting one. I had one of ‘those’ garage sessions with one of
the boys back in May, drinking, smoking and dosed up on the magic shrooms. One
of the revelations we had is a great summary of how friends should be and mean
to us, how they currently are and how my circle of close knit friends have been.
The reason we are friends is because of our connection to one another a type of
connection and relationship that I do not witness very much at all. Infact, I
can’t even think of another group that have something similar off top of my
head. Whether it was through dance, being neighbours, via sports or lifelong
friends. We ALWAYS come back to the flock. My journey throughout my 20s saw me
enter more new circle of friends than I could care to remember and each circle
I bounced and moved on from including the crew of boys that I grew up with and
left at 19years of age when I left Enerjetix. However, these are the very same
crew of boys that came out of the wood works for me when I thought I was going
through a cancer scare and in the middle of being sick. Not only did they reach
out, we cried together at the mook. The rest is history and the revelations
continued to arrive. These boys are my foundation and the circle – the ones
that flew to me, a solo sickly young guy in his 20s. And they were there for me.
I pray that everyone is given this revelation sometime throughout their lives
even if it’s just once, it’s the greatest feeling to know who your people are
and how a display of interconnectedness for when times called for it. I owe
these fellas that sort of loyalty I didn’t think I could develop for any group
of people.
Family. More
often than not I find myself reflecting and realising that my parents won’t
always be around. They are not the once vibrant fighting fit young couple I
always saw them to be in my youth and it’s a reality I know will continue to
develop. In her later years, mum has become a lot more sickly and her kidneys
and heart have given more grief. She recently had a defibrillator put in after
an eventful trip the Philppines. 2 hospital admissions is what it took for her
to realise that it was time to come. And we fought every step of the way while
we were separated. She’s still as hard headed as ever, thanks mum. The time I
spent at home after my last/most recent operation was a welcome change – I managed
to spend more time with her. Time I doubt I would have found if life hadn’t
thrown so many lemons. There were ironic little moments spent such as her
leading the way while I struggled to catch up to her during one of our many
walks around the suburb, I think this secretly reminded her that fitness isn’t
bad and that she needs it to be better – I hope it sticks while I am in Canada.
Dad has always been the quieter of the two. A hard worker all his life and
prioritised my brother and I over all else. Together, my parents are the best
team even if they don’t always feel it were the case. Because of them, my
brother are as strong as human beings as we are because of them. I love them
both. Little brother needs a little kick up the arse every now again but he is
always moving forward which is the best thing anyone could do. Courtney, well
they’re gf and bf at this stage but I certainly hope that those two get
together. I don’t know who else could put up with my brother the way that I do.
Canada.
It’s been a long time coming, but finally PLAN D has sprung into action and at
such a pivotal time of my life as well. It’s an exciting and nerve racking time
- the way it should be. As I explained to
numerous friends already, the lawyers are done, the cars been paid off, the
other cars been sold, I’ve racked up 2.5years experience as a manager when I
only expected 2. My recent developed
love for the snow combined with my bucketlist goals of living overseas and
revisiting Canada have all converged. The gut instinct is in the right place
and I’m taking advantage of the mental prowess I’ve developed during my ordeals
into something much more positive. The most recent happening is my realisation
that money isn’t bad, especially when you make it work for you. This, is the
mentality I have leading into what is to be the gap year I never had coming out
of highschool/university. And I feel so damn excited about the prospects. I
have a 2 year VISA approved for Canada, but that’s still up in the air. I was
thinking about sticking it out for 2 years and gallavanting exploring Canada
but perhaps I will be back in 6months to kick start my investments and
portfolio. Who knows. Who cares. Let’s just shred for now.
Love. The
theme of all that this blogspot has come to be. Finally I am 30. What have I
learnt so far from the very first moment I realised what these feelings for
another person were?
Well.
-
Love. Like. Puppylove
Crush. Despite what anyone ‘labels’ the feelings are all the same and I feel as
thought people almost downplay or trivialise these feelings when in essence
they bring about all the same emotion and experiences. The lesson? Love hard,
love strong, love till you can’t love anymore. And even then, ‘moving on’ in
some cases requires the most love of all. Think Bernadette
-
Love does not
discriminate. It does overcome all obstacles. Labels whilst not necessary
require two people on the same wave length. Why doesn’t the logistical part
work if the feelings are there? The catch? Well it takes 2 people. Love alone
isn’t all that you need. Real life effort is just as important. Think Jesse
-
Don’t be a pushover.
Don’t be naïve. This is a hard one. ALL experiences teach people a lesson but
it’s the ones that have the most profound impact on our minds and bodies that
we remember the most – including pain just as much as the good times. How do
you learn from pain when you strive hard to not let anyone in? or take
advantage? Well I don’t have an answer and when the older me looks back perhaps
you will. For now, the worst thing that anyone could do is block yourself from
connections for fear of pain, fear of commitment. I believe this is where I am
now with love. My psycho girlfriend taught me that being good isn’t good
enough, a dose of realism is the best way to take advantage of a bad and turn
it into good. She shattered me mentally into a million pieces, but I grew so so
far beyond my years as a result. Think Monica.
-
Love comes in all
shapes and forms. It’s our job to accept, not question when it comes knocking.
For you’ll always second guess and strive as a result for something that you
already have within your grasp. A love so profound it’s hard to believe it’s
real. I once had a gf who given this day and age – I would marry in a
heartbeat. She picked up the remnants of me and put me together again with only
the most positive vibes and dedication. It was almost artistic. The great white
buffalo who got away. Think Linny Sou.
-
Love as a commitment not
as a convenience. I’m not really sure how to elaborate on this but it makes the
most sense. My most recent ex 5 years ago now came to Australia as an exchange
student, we got together we loved – but we never made plans about our future? She
was a hard one to befriend because she was just as much a cynic as I was –
however we got along, we loved. Time to move back overseas it ended? Love
taught here I suppose was that if you commit to that path, be committed
wholeheartedly. Because she was present with her body I thought her mind was
just as much too. I was wrong. Heartbroken somewhat – but disappointed more
than anything else. Convenience to avoid fear, convenience because it was just
easier, convenience because they gave you a home is the worst type of love to
have. Be all in. Don’t hold back and most important of all communicate. Think
Susie Moozar
I’m 30.
Older and somewhat wiser, and always looking forward. The next step for this
decade is to alleviate myself of the rat race and to be able to walk into a
home that I called mine. Dedicated to all the hard years that my parents worked
for us and for the foundation for the future generations that I hope to someday
have. It’s an exciting time to be alive.
(3 days
later)
1452
Wednesday 26 April 2017
.Prospection | perspective meets inception |
Tonights one of those nights that I'll remember down the line. Shared shrooms freshly picked from Oberon over the weekend with some organic weed. This turned out to be the craziest stoniest life solving nights ever. period.
All of the topics (clouds) spoken about tonight were all thrown up there into the sky as clouds, this all rained down on us as resolutions and new perspectives to the idea of life. It's an age all question that one - what is life? what is happiness? this crazy mushjuana trip just solved all of that in a single sitting.
I've heard bits and pieces of what they call DMT and the long lasting effects that psychadelic trip gives but nights like tonight certainly feel like it's something that should be similiar to DMT effects... without actually having taken the actual thing. That is, long lasting perspectives that can potentially manifest itself out from the induced world on towards the real one -but it's all positive
The playlist tonight was off the hook. It was mad! the 'Loungeroom' playlist that Amelia and I are collaborating on provided the most perfect tunes. Definitely needs more followers ha
I can't recall any time prior that CJ and I bro'd down but it's certainly was a good one, enough for me to want to write about in here for my first post in 2017
time now 0205 ...work at 0700
peace
Chiapoco
All of the topics (clouds) spoken about tonight were all thrown up there into the sky as clouds, this all rained down on us as resolutions and new perspectives to the idea of life. It's an age all question that one - what is life? what is happiness? this crazy mushjuana trip just solved all of that in a single sitting.
I've heard bits and pieces of what they call DMT and the long lasting effects that psychadelic trip gives but nights like tonight certainly feel like it's something that should be similiar to DMT effects... without actually having taken the actual thing. That is, long lasting perspectives that can potentially manifest itself out from the induced world on towards the real one -but it's all positive
The playlist tonight was off the hook. It was mad! the 'Loungeroom' playlist that Amelia and I are collaborating on provided the most perfect tunes. Definitely needs more followers ha
I can't recall any time prior that CJ and I bro'd down but it's certainly was a good one, enough for me to want to write about in here for my first post in 2017
time now 0205 ...work at 0700
peace
Chiapoco
Monday 10 October 2016
Light At the End Of The Tunnel
Dear Blog,
What a momentous year it has been since the last post which was just over a year ago to date. In life, love, family and work.
It all started with the conclusion of snow season 2015. I was effectively a vascular-path case. Legs all swol, cankled with pitting edema that would leave a finger indent in your leg... a dent that would linger for more than 1 minute at a time. Yikes. Like a bad nurse, I didn't deal with it until it was excruciatingly painful to the point where I couldn't sleep at night. The surgery done by Dr Robinson was done quick smart within the week and I was back on the road to recovery - 4 weeks off
Come October, I started to notice discomfort every time I closed my legs. It progressively got worse up until I read a facebook article with details that young males 18-35 should regularly check their junk monthly for testicular cancer, law and behold the realisation in that moment was made - I felt a lump. I wasn't actually scared when I found this but the thought that came across my mind was - 'oh fuck mannnn...' 20 minutes later I was at the GP getting my referral letter. My first specialist I chose based on skill and rep turned out to be a douchebag. I switched over to one of the older school surgeons Dr Eisinger. A bloody legend and cannot thank him enough for being the human being that he is. He is an absolute stand up bloke.
The whole process leading up to what was to be my first ever urogolical procedure was quite interesting. First, I had to jack off into a jar at the Andrology centre in Concord, to have my little kids and my blood tested. All good in the hood with some VERY strong Chiapoco swimmers in the mix. Needless to say if I were to lose fertility I'd still be able to get kids.
Fast forward to December some 1 month later I was finally there - 1 month of thinking I had cancer. I didn't tell family nor friends and worked my bloody arse off at work to keep myself distracted. It was truly a trialing time for everyone including myself that knew what was going on. Thoughts about imminent death and dying came to mind which seems so ludacris now but was indeed a very real possibility which I had to accept. There wasn't any running away from anything coming from the mind. Perhaps I didn't know if I was in denial at the time or if I tried to run from what was probably dormant raw feelings, but I cruised through that month effortlessly. Almost too effortlessly...
I had my surgery and it turned out all it was, was an infection - had it washed out and a partial debridement of some necrotic tissue and off I went - another 4 weeks off. Visited Angela in Dubbo who looked lovely, inspiring as always as she welcomed me in for some respite from the big smoke. Probably the most inspiring dancer I know as a side note. This woman embodies what is dance. In truth, I feel intimidated by how passionate she is!. . In the following weeks I just relaxed. Oh - I kept the (L)Nut. (winning?)
The feeling when I woke up from surgery was surreal - I was still waking from the anaesthetic of course but I vividly remember throwing up a hand in the air to fist bump my surgeon... "let's party" I said... moments after I fell asleep
There are times in your life, events, occassions and special moments that really test the fabric of what you believe. Friends and family will always be an ongoing and undulating wave of uncertainty as you try to sift through the garbage to find what is worth holding onto. What is real. Amelia, my broskie who I only ever got to know especially in the last 2 years has become one of my number 1s. She will probably never read this post but I owe so much to her. An introvert at heart with lots to give, I've often held back the heart strings that really matter - for protection? who knows. Amelia was there for me and understood my predicament even without needing me to explain anything. She was there for my consults. To see me through the tests and of course to get my stubborn ass into treatment where I probably wouldn't have bothered. To the Dully/Myra/Cathedral/Cotillion rabble that I call my boys. Much like Amelia you probably will never come across this blog let alone this post but I am forever grateful from the bottom of my heart where I let only a few in - the outpouring of support from da boiz was phenomenal. I found myself in a dark spot at one point and these guys without any hesitation welcomed me back with open arms into the fold. I've always been a floater amongst social circles - exploring, meeting, learning - especially during the post high school era. Not any more. These boys showed me where I belong and what loyalty means, it's a priceless/formless treasure to hold onto. They cried with me the only time I ever let the wall down. There are no words to describe that moment.
However...
... it's not over yet.
Varicose vein x2 followed shortly thereafter in around April/May. another 2 weeks off. Jack Loa does an impressive incision, about half the size of my original incision for my right leg! hmmm definitely getting him recommendations
More interestingly is what followed. During my stint with my testicular cancer scare I had a CT scan that revealed lung nodules in my right upper lung. Initially it was considered to be something to deal with in retro, something we could ignore. If it were TB then it's treatable. Unfortunately to me it turned out to be a rare fungal infection called Cryptococccus that immunosuppressed people generally get. Not only was it rare, but it happened in a healthy individual like me. Double whammy surprise! even the Surgeons and Infectious Diseases Specialists were stumped.
I had a lumbar puncture to check for meningitis, head CT to make sure brain was all good and an MRI of the prostate. All negative. So far, everything they ever asked me about my condition was either negative or unremarkable apart from the fact I was infected. Docs thought it's to do with the camel back I used in August 2015 during snow season. I also told them about smoking, but we'll never know.
The treatment that followed my diagnoses was absolutely crazy. I had NO FUCKING IDEA what I was in for. I had a PICC line inserted for 2x weeks which fed me a daily dose of Amphatericin which bloody nearly put me in dialysis. I missed out on the week of snowboarding I had organised. Ironically enough, the girl I've taken an absolute liking too happened to meet a bloke she's now seeing. I totally set them up even indirectly - ultimate wing man of the year or what? how about that for a 'dose' of irony? Still no wins in that department.
I was asleep in bed, nauseous and without energy for almost 21hours a day. Only getting up to be force fed crap and pumped with more fluids. This however was not enough - despite all my attempts to keep my body in check while I was blasted with treatment and by the end of the first week Kidneys failing. I was admitted for several days while I was pumped with - MORE fluids. Naturally I bounced back and as soon as I had the line taken out I fired off straight to the snow (Batlow, Selwyn) and fucked off to Bali for 5 days straight after that.
Bali was great. I really only had 3 days to explore but I took full advantage and stuffed it with as much adventuring as I could - absolutely the feed for the soul that I was so familiar with. I explored the markets, basked in the sun, watched as people ran from the monkeys in the forest, laughed in amusement when I had my bottle stolen by one mischievous monkey who opened and drunk the water! Impressive. I got a tattoo on the same day, climbed a volcano at 4am. Met a whole group of awesome travellers from the UK and France. Sipped on some Luwak coffee with the locals, got lost in Kuta, discover my hotel didn't exist, got bitten by bed bugs, explored the night light, met a girl - talked and laughed, beached the next day, got food poisoned, dinner with the same girl again the following night. flew home. Travelling, there's nothing else like it.
Work.
I've been acting as a NUM now for almost 1.5years and confident to say that I've managed to quash a lot of questions people had about how I would be in the role. We've come a long way as a pod, as a team and feeling much better for it. With anything there have been hard times and great moments! sharing it with my team is a blessing and I'll continue to give it all until we get to a spot I think we can just stop at, step back at.. and appreciate. Not for awhile though...
The NUM role has since been advertised and I was given a very odd interview but was told soon after wards that I was the preferred candidate. At this stage it hasn't been announced yet but it was a very relieving feeling, as though a ball of uncertainty lifted. At this stage I don't think I'll be leaving RPAH. Instead I'm going to use my energy and time to make it an even greater role than it ever has been before. Guaranteed.
Random outstanding facts around this time:
- Perry turned 29 today. My best mate since we were swimmers. Fancy being able to call him my bro up until now
- Completely crushing on a new girl. Did not see this coming. Although, she's already seeing/feelin someone. Maybe a blessing who knows.
- Snow season is officially out. Fishing is back on
- I'm the NUM now. No acting
- Mums finally retired as of a month or so ago
- Bought my first round of car parts to finally get the meg going once more
- Joined a basketball team with the boys
- Working at recovering all the lost conditioning from the treatments I've had this last year
- Working towards 5am gym sessions once more.
Life is turning around it seems. It wasn't really all that bad I suppose? 50/50
peace
C
What a momentous year it has been since the last post which was just over a year ago to date. In life, love, family and work.
It all started with the conclusion of snow season 2015. I was effectively a vascular-path case. Legs all swol, cankled with pitting edema that would leave a finger indent in your leg... a dent that would linger for more than 1 minute at a time. Yikes. Like a bad nurse, I didn't deal with it until it was excruciatingly painful to the point where I couldn't sleep at night. The surgery done by Dr Robinson was done quick smart within the week and I was back on the road to recovery - 4 weeks off
Come October, I started to notice discomfort every time I closed my legs. It progressively got worse up until I read a facebook article with details that young males 18-35 should regularly check their junk monthly for testicular cancer, law and behold the realisation in that moment was made - I felt a lump. I wasn't actually scared when I found this but the thought that came across my mind was - 'oh fuck mannnn...' 20 minutes later I was at the GP getting my referral letter. My first specialist I chose based on skill and rep turned out to be a douchebag. I switched over to one of the older school surgeons Dr Eisinger. A bloody legend and cannot thank him enough for being the human being that he is. He is an absolute stand up bloke.
The whole process leading up to what was to be my first ever urogolical procedure was quite interesting. First, I had to jack off into a jar at the Andrology centre in Concord, to have my little kids and my blood tested. All good in the hood with some VERY strong Chiapoco swimmers in the mix. Needless to say if I were to lose fertility I'd still be able to get kids.
Fast forward to December some 1 month later I was finally there - 1 month of thinking I had cancer. I didn't tell family nor friends and worked my bloody arse off at work to keep myself distracted. It was truly a trialing time for everyone including myself that knew what was going on. Thoughts about imminent death and dying came to mind which seems so ludacris now but was indeed a very real possibility which I had to accept. There wasn't any running away from anything coming from the mind. Perhaps I didn't know if I was in denial at the time or if I tried to run from what was probably dormant raw feelings, but I cruised through that month effortlessly. Almost too effortlessly...
I had my surgery and it turned out all it was, was an infection - had it washed out and a partial debridement of some necrotic tissue and off I went - another 4 weeks off. Visited Angela in Dubbo who looked lovely, inspiring as always as she welcomed me in for some respite from the big smoke. Probably the most inspiring dancer I know as a side note. This woman embodies what is dance. In truth, I feel intimidated by how passionate she is!. . In the following weeks I just relaxed. Oh - I kept the (L)Nut. (winning?)
The feeling when I woke up from surgery was surreal - I was still waking from the anaesthetic of course but I vividly remember throwing up a hand in the air to fist bump my surgeon... "let's party" I said... moments after I fell asleep
There are times in your life, events, occassions and special moments that really test the fabric of what you believe. Friends and family will always be an ongoing and undulating wave of uncertainty as you try to sift through the garbage to find what is worth holding onto. What is real. Amelia, my broskie who I only ever got to know especially in the last 2 years has become one of my number 1s. She will probably never read this post but I owe so much to her. An introvert at heart with lots to give, I've often held back the heart strings that really matter - for protection? who knows. Amelia was there for me and understood my predicament even without needing me to explain anything. She was there for my consults. To see me through the tests and of course to get my stubborn ass into treatment where I probably wouldn't have bothered. To the Dully/Myra/Cathedral/Cotillion rabble that I call my boys. Much like Amelia you probably will never come across this blog let alone this post but I am forever grateful from the bottom of my heart where I let only a few in - the outpouring of support from da boiz was phenomenal. I found myself in a dark spot at one point and these guys without any hesitation welcomed me back with open arms into the fold. I've always been a floater amongst social circles - exploring, meeting, learning - especially during the post high school era. Not any more. These boys showed me where I belong and what loyalty means, it's a priceless/formless treasure to hold onto. They cried with me the only time I ever let the wall down. There are no words to describe that moment.
However...
... it's not over yet.
Varicose vein x2 followed shortly thereafter in around April/May. another 2 weeks off. Jack Loa does an impressive incision, about half the size of my original incision for my right leg! hmmm definitely getting him recommendations
More interestingly is what followed. During my stint with my testicular cancer scare I had a CT scan that revealed lung nodules in my right upper lung. Initially it was considered to be something to deal with in retro, something we could ignore. If it were TB then it's treatable. Unfortunately to me it turned out to be a rare fungal infection called Cryptococccus that immunosuppressed people generally get. Not only was it rare, but it happened in a healthy individual like me. Double whammy surprise! even the Surgeons and Infectious Diseases Specialists were stumped.
I had a lumbar puncture to check for meningitis, head CT to make sure brain was all good and an MRI of the prostate. All negative. So far, everything they ever asked me about my condition was either negative or unremarkable apart from the fact I was infected. Docs thought it's to do with the camel back I used in August 2015 during snow season. I also told them about smoking, but we'll never know.
The treatment that followed my diagnoses was absolutely crazy. I had NO FUCKING IDEA what I was in for. I had a PICC line inserted for 2x weeks which fed me a daily dose of Amphatericin which bloody nearly put me in dialysis. I missed out on the week of snowboarding I had organised. Ironically enough, the girl I've taken an absolute liking too happened to meet a bloke she's now seeing. I totally set them up even indirectly - ultimate wing man of the year or what? how about that for a 'dose' of irony? Still no wins in that department.
I was asleep in bed, nauseous and without energy for almost 21hours a day. Only getting up to be force fed crap and pumped with more fluids. This however was not enough - despite all my attempts to keep my body in check while I was blasted with treatment and by the end of the first week Kidneys failing. I was admitted for several days while I was pumped with - MORE fluids. Naturally I bounced back and as soon as I had the line taken out I fired off straight to the snow (Batlow, Selwyn) and fucked off to Bali for 5 days straight after that.
Bali was great. I really only had 3 days to explore but I took full advantage and stuffed it with as much adventuring as I could - absolutely the feed for the soul that I was so familiar with. I explored the markets, basked in the sun, watched as people ran from the monkeys in the forest, laughed in amusement when I had my bottle stolen by one mischievous monkey who opened and drunk the water! Impressive. I got a tattoo on the same day, climbed a volcano at 4am. Met a whole group of awesome travellers from the UK and France. Sipped on some Luwak coffee with the locals, got lost in Kuta, discover my hotel didn't exist, got bitten by bed bugs, explored the night light, met a girl - talked and laughed, beached the next day, got food poisoned, dinner with the same girl again the following night. flew home. Travelling, there's nothing else like it.
Work.
I've been acting as a NUM now for almost 1.5years and confident to say that I've managed to quash a lot of questions people had about how I would be in the role. We've come a long way as a pod, as a team and feeling much better for it. With anything there have been hard times and great moments! sharing it with my team is a blessing and I'll continue to give it all until we get to a spot I think we can just stop at, step back at.. and appreciate. Not for awhile though...
The NUM role has since been advertised and I was given a very odd interview but was told soon after wards that I was the preferred candidate. At this stage it hasn't been announced yet but it was a very relieving feeling, as though a ball of uncertainty lifted. At this stage I don't think I'll be leaving RPAH. Instead I'm going to use my energy and time to make it an even greater role than it ever has been before. Guaranteed.
Random outstanding facts around this time:
- Perry turned 29 today. My best mate since we were swimmers. Fancy being able to call him my bro up until now
- Completely crushing on a new girl. Did not see this coming. Although, she's already seeing/feelin someone. Maybe a blessing who knows.
- Snow season is officially out. Fishing is back on
- I'm the NUM now. No acting
- Mums finally retired as of a month or so ago
- Bought my first round of car parts to finally get the meg going once more
- Joined a basketball team with the boys
- Working at recovering all the lost conditioning from the treatments I've had this last year
- Working towards 5am gym sessions once more.
Life is turning around it seems. It wasn't really all that bad I suppose? 50/50
peace
C
Tuesday 4 August 2015
She'll Always Be - MH
Dear Blog
You had the inevitable 'talk' with the lady after baring the brunt of her non motivating reactions to your advances in the last couple of months. 'Want to have dinner?' ..*gunt* ... 'Let's hangout this weekend?' ...*ask me later*.. 'Did you get my messages?'...*yep*.... 'so you didn't feel like a reply would be nice?' ....*no reply*
You once thought that this woman would be a real contender, a real potential.
Maybe she is. She exhibits some mental fortitude you don't see in many women and for that I think you picking her was still a great thing. Ironically however she doesn't exhibit these towards you. She likes to talk about the problems? she avoided it every time. She's a woman that knows what she wants? she couldn't make a decision after 10 damn months. You tried calling her casually to see how her day was? you were shut down once more after she got automatically defensive when you tried to talk about the situation. Bare in mind she was the one that asked you if you could still be friends with her. She was so rigid solid set in her ways not once did she ever take the risk in doing something out of the ordinary for you. She may have liked you, but that was never her choice to begin with.
The uneasy post feeling of ending something still lingers all the same and hopefully it blows over sooner rather than later. All the same you felt like a chump at the time.
And future Chris. It had been some years since you actually let someone like this in - and you were an idiot for doing so for this one. Harden the fuck up and just get on with life! also hopefully down in future years your ego will be in check because that's what probably bruised more than anything. This girl was never going to be the right one for you, you never honestly vibed with her. it may have worked if she pulled her weight - but she never did and this was something you knew deep down from the start. Dumbass!
From The Lady to just that girl...
upwards on onwards. another bites the dust
- C
4-8-15
1922
- C
4-8-15
1922
Thursday 11 June 2015
8 months worth of winter
Game of Thrones what an epic series especially love there are zero fucks given to the nudity they display on there.
Started my day as usual today. 6am wake up to the brisk winter mornings. Hopped onto the CBR125 I bought last week and off I went to work. Work and the list we had today was quite uninspiring, just a stack of removal of diastasis screws in a few people, and again nothing too crazy about the patients that came through today. Liver transplant on call that I am still fairly new to means 7am shift starts. Finished work, visited the bike workshop around Marrickville and got paid out for riding around on a tin can not worth repairing - straight to Gumtree it went onto this evening
I had a very forward and mind opening talk session with my boss yesterday afternoon right before I was done with my shift. Turns out that the cogs we once spoke about many moons ago have finally started turning and an opportunity has presented itself. Best case scenario, I'll be one of the youngest NUMs to work at the tender age of 27. Great achievement for myself if it comes to fruition- at least now I have a goal and the rest of my year seems a lot clearer. On the same token however, I'm a little reserved about jumping into such a position. Our POD(3) has taken quite the beating in recent years and there's a tonne of shit to fix up and bring back up to speed, not to mention the old schooler heads that need uprooting and realigning to suit the goals of the many rather than just themselves. Needless to say, I'm going to have one tough and very exciting 6 months ahead of me.
The love department. I realised I haven't updated my blog since this started... allow me to talk in the 3rd person to try and explain this peculiar situation to my future self. A lot of great lessons have been learn't and just as many great frustrations.
JVS is a person who you work with. She was a new grad when you met her and she's also very young in not only physical age (22), but also experience. I wouldn't say she's a naive individual although she lacks relationship experience - she in fact rivals your 27 year old self for perceptiveness, natural instinct and generally getting past by trusting her gut feeling in most circumstances and people. She's also made you realise things about some people who you thought you knew well and brought to light things that she noticed which you never did. Like brother and his manipulative ways for example. She's never had a boyfriend and by nature is extremely mentally guarded. At this age of 27 you've developed a deep appreciation for a lady. Well mr 27 year old version of yourself. This woman is an utter Lady in the grandest way possible. She is The Lady of your time so far. She's also got a dash of hippie - not hipster - hippie, think Tigerlily. You like many things about this lady - she's full of humour of the sarcastic kind, hair colour that is ever changing with the seasons, darker during winter, lighter during summer. She has hands that have never been held by the male kind until you came along and tried. Her beach body is so curvy and for lack of a better word - hot. Being a butt guy you were not disappointed, being open to other areas of the body apart from the butt you were equally just as pleased - when she finally let you roam some 6-8 months after seeing each other - she was equally as satisfied (even if she denied it). The body never lies and you took her to a place she obviously has never been to before the other night. The best feature (ironically) about her is her trusting nature and how there is absolutely 0 likelihood of any jealousy and insecurity sprouting in the most simple of situations that you have been accustomed to accept otherwise. She is what I can only call a passive Alpha... she receives all the attention without knowing and while she doesn't command it now she's the type where people follow her lead if they themselves aren't aware of it. She's ambitious and her focus for what she's done for herself so far demands your respect - and you've naturally given that. The passive to her alpha is where the 'wrench' in the works start to appear however, and there are plenty of major issues and finer subtleties amalgamated to form a real significant dilemma.
She is completely clueless about the expectations you have about relationships. She won't call, she'll cancel plans on you last minute, she won't communicate when days go by and you haven't spoken. She'll retell stories of how she liked the guys in the past and wanted a couple of them to actually ask her out - but they never did. Yet it's been 8months chasing her and she doesn't want to go out on a date or be seen with you in public amongst her friends or your own. She doesn't drive to you when she reluctantly agrees to hangout and you have driven or public transported your way to her every-single-damn-fucking-time. The greatest irony is that your focus isn't even to have sex with this lady. She's just put the brakes to your playa ways without even trying, it's so annoying knowing all this that it gets almost infuriating - infuriating because nothing you've learnt as a single guy works on this lady. You're back to your 16 year old self dumbfounded and out of luck. When you call once, twice, three times she never replies back. When you send a message on facebook cause she didn't call back, she'll read that and not reply at all. You're completely stumped as to what you need to do but bring it back to basics. With this girl you need to and still are exercising a level of constraint, patience and compromise within yourself that you have never been known to do. You haven't had the slightest inkling of messing around with other women while you chase this lady. Need I remind you, it's been 8 months and you still haven't gotten anywhere but a few steps up the rungs on the physical ladder. Everytime you invite her out on a date or ask to clear up the situation you're both in the answer is always the same, always - 'maybe' or 'I don't know'. The old Chris would have ditched this situation a long time ago and perhaps at this point in time is still a viable option. I wonder future self, what actually became of this situation and what kind of thoughts you're pondering about as you read this minute passage in your life because right now I feel like it could still go either way, even though it's nearing towards the good part of a year or chasing. You really don't want that to happen.
I sit here after these past few months after freshly deactivating facebook. Law and behold for a lady that never makes the first move she comes running asking if I've deleted her. I'm quite fed up with these games which I'm sure she isn't aware she is playing with me. I've been very stand off ish with my replies and yet she still replies. Perhaps this is a reaction to freaking out that I'm getting over things with her? who knows? I honestly don't even think she'd care that much if I just stopped and actually just got over things. You still don't honestly feel she has any sort of committment to you. Just the other day the only thing she answered to your question of "do I drive you crazy?" was "I dont know, but you definitely have an effect on me"
- What the hell is that mean't to mean? yeah I'll hangout with you, go out with you, make out with you.... but I don't want a relationship with you is the impression I'm getting. My greatest asset and at the same time the greatest downfall for me is my ability to think. With this lady, all my thinking prowess ends up debilitating my mental mind state more so than actually developing it... well that's how I feel anyway I know I'm better off going through all this considering I have had some real shockers in my time. She doesn't affect you badly, just makes you exercise mental muscles you have never used before - and unfortunately there are no protein powder milkshakes to help this mental exhaustion recovery faster.
So what do you do? do you keep chasing? and risk putting yourself in a vulnerable position even more than you already have, continue investing for something that seems so liable as it is an asset?
Or do you stop chasing? risk losing something potentially great, risk falling short of something that's obviously been progressing. Slow progression but still progressing?
Who knows and at this point in time you're still at 50/50 odds and 50/50 mindstate with how you're going to deal with the situation. Guess you really have to bring it back to basics and just execute a style/trait you know very well. Freestyle
Chris Chiapoco
11-6-2015
22:46
Started my day as usual today. 6am wake up to the brisk winter mornings. Hopped onto the CBR125 I bought last week and off I went to work. Work and the list we had today was quite uninspiring, just a stack of removal of diastasis screws in a few people, and again nothing too crazy about the patients that came through today. Liver transplant on call that I am still fairly new to means 7am shift starts. Finished work, visited the bike workshop around Marrickville and got paid out for riding around on a tin can not worth repairing - straight to Gumtree it went onto this evening
I had a very forward and mind opening talk session with my boss yesterday afternoon right before I was done with my shift. Turns out that the cogs we once spoke about many moons ago have finally started turning and an opportunity has presented itself. Best case scenario, I'll be one of the youngest NUMs to work at the tender age of 27. Great achievement for myself if it comes to fruition- at least now I have a goal and the rest of my year seems a lot clearer. On the same token however, I'm a little reserved about jumping into such a position. Our POD(3) has taken quite the beating in recent years and there's a tonne of shit to fix up and bring back up to speed, not to mention the old schooler heads that need uprooting and realigning to suit the goals of the many rather than just themselves. Needless to say, I'm going to have one tough and very exciting 6 months ahead of me.
The love department. I realised I haven't updated my blog since this started... allow me to talk in the 3rd person to try and explain this peculiar situation to my future self. A lot of great lessons have been learn't and just as many great frustrations.
JVS is a person who you work with. She was a new grad when you met her and she's also very young in not only physical age (22), but also experience. I wouldn't say she's a naive individual although she lacks relationship experience - she in fact rivals your 27 year old self for perceptiveness, natural instinct and generally getting past by trusting her gut feeling in most circumstances and people. She's also made you realise things about some people who you thought you knew well and brought to light things that she noticed which you never did. Like brother and his manipulative ways for example. She's never had a boyfriend and by nature is extremely mentally guarded. At this age of 27 you've developed a deep appreciation for a lady. Well mr 27 year old version of yourself. This woman is an utter Lady in the grandest way possible. She is The Lady of your time so far. She's also got a dash of hippie - not hipster - hippie, think Tigerlily. You like many things about this lady - she's full of humour of the sarcastic kind, hair colour that is ever changing with the seasons, darker during winter, lighter during summer. She has hands that have never been held by the male kind until you came along and tried. Her beach body is so curvy and for lack of a better word - hot. Being a butt guy you were not disappointed, being open to other areas of the body apart from the butt you were equally just as pleased - when she finally let you roam some 6-8 months after seeing each other - she was equally as satisfied (even if she denied it). The body never lies and you took her to a place she obviously has never been to before the other night. The best feature (ironically) about her is her trusting nature and how there is absolutely 0 likelihood of any jealousy and insecurity sprouting in the most simple of situations that you have been accustomed to accept otherwise. She is what I can only call a passive Alpha... she receives all the attention without knowing and while she doesn't command it now she's the type where people follow her lead if they themselves aren't aware of it. She's ambitious and her focus for what she's done for herself so far demands your respect - and you've naturally given that. The passive to her alpha is where the 'wrench' in the works start to appear however, and there are plenty of major issues and finer subtleties amalgamated to form a real significant dilemma.
She is completely clueless about the expectations you have about relationships. She won't call, she'll cancel plans on you last minute, she won't communicate when days go by and you haven't spoken. She'll retell stories of how she liked the guys in the past and wanted a couple of them to actually ask her out - but they never did. Yet it's been 8months chasing her and she doesn't want to go out on a date or be seen with you in public amongst her friends or your own. She doesn't drive to you when she reluctantly agrees to hangout and you have driven or public transported your way to her every-single-damn-fucking-time. The greatest irony is that your focus isn't even to have sex with this lady. She's just put the brakes to your playa ways without even trying, it's so annoying knowing all this that it gets almost infuriating - infuriating because nothing you've learnt as a single guy works on this lady. You're back to your 16 year old self dumbfounded and out of luck. When you call once, twice, three times she never replies back. When you send a message on facebook cause she didn't call back, she'll read that and not reply at all. You're completely stumped as to what you need to do but bring it back to basics. With this girl you need to and still are exercising a level of constraint, patience and compromise within yourself that you have never been known to do. You haven't had the slightest inkling of messing around with other women while you chase this lady. Need I remind you, it's been 8 months and you still haven't gotten anywhere but a few steps up the rungs on the physical ladder. Everytime you invite her out on a date or ask to clear up the situation you're both in the answer is always the same, always - 'maybe' or 'I don't know'. The old Chris would have ditched this situation a long time ago and perhaps at this point in time is still a viable option. I wonder future self, what actually became of this situation and what kind of thoughts you're pondering about as you read this minute passage in your life because right now I feel like it could still go either way, even though it's nearing towards the good part of a year or chasing. You really don't want that to happen.
I sit here after these past few months after freshly deactivating facebook. Law and behold for a lady that never makes the first move she comes running asking if I've deleted her. I'm quite fed up with these games which I'm sure she isn't aware she is playing with me. I've been very stand off ish with my replies and yet she still replies. Perhaps this is a reaction to freaking out that I'm getting over things with her? who knows? I honestly don't even think she'd care that much if I just stopped and actually just got over things. You still don't honestly feel she has any sort of committment to you. Just the other day the only thing she answered to your question of "do I drive you crazy?" was "I dont know, but you definitely have an effect on me"
- What the hell is that mean't to mean? yeah I'll hangout with you, go out with you, make out with you.... but I don't want a relationship with you is the impression I'm getting. My greatest asset and at the same time the greatest downfall for me is my ability to think. With this lady, all my thinking prowess ends up debilitating my mental mind state more so than actually developing it... well that's how I feel anyway I know I'm better off going through all this considering I have had some real shockers in my time. She doesn't affect you badly, just makes you exercise mental muscles you have never used before - and unfortunately there are no protein powder milkshakes to help this mental exhaustion recovery faster.
So what do you do? do you keep chasing? and risk putting yourself in a vulnerable position even more than you already have, continue investing for something that seems so liable as it is an asset?
Or do you stop chasing? risk losing something potentially great, risk falling short of something that's obviously been progressing. Slow progression but still progressing?
Who knows and at this point in time you're still at 50/50 odds and 50/50 mindstate with how you're going to deal with the situation. Guess you really have to bring it back to basics and just execute a style/trait you know very well. Freestyle
Chris Chiapoco
11-6-2015
22:46
Friday 31 October 2014
Halloween 2014
Hello world,
Been an eventful day. Spent some nice mother/brother/me time today while mum got her MRI done this morning. Went to the gym afterwards with brother chiapoco to smash out some arm workouts. As much as I hate it I think I'm starting to enjoy it once again. Spending time with the brother is always a good time anyway. Came back home mid arvo and plonked myself onto my chair... here I am hours later
I had a momentary light bulb moment today while I thought about who I should call out to hangout. It dawned on me suddenly - I'm a 27 year old bachelor. 27! for some reason I can really feel the jump between 26 to 27, more so in the last few weeks since one of my bestmates Master P went official with his mrs. I'm truly into my late 20s and a bite size 3 years away from 30. It's a slap to the mind every time I say it to myself. Rewinding back to 16 year old self of mine, I imagined that I'd be married by now well on the way to considering a family.... haha fuck that - anyway - that's where the bachelor part of the realisation comes in... not really a thought in relation to myself, but the resulting conclusion after observing my social circles.
Absolutely everyone (exaggeration) I know that's close close to my daily grind have entered some sort of relationship or caught up with the thought of one. GADDAMN, no one's happy being single. I can't even pass the time with any adventures since I'm quite bogged down with shitty repayments. I'm not saying that being in a relationship is a problem but I suppose the idea that my intentions don't align with taken peeps really bums me out, what can I do about it though? priorities really do inevitably change.
But I digress..
As always, I am happy being single, the freedom cannot be taken for granted! and I don't EVER have to deal with asking for "hall passes" from the other party which I've always thought was a real joke. I've got mates who are always at a collar and leash length away from their girlfriends. That's really messed up, what the story is behind closed doors? no idea. On the topic of women, an old flame of mine has been starting to reignite lately and I'm not quite sure how to take this. She's been a friend of mine since we were young. I met her one night out in town. I vividly remember her standing out from the rest amongst her own friends, pretty ricky in the background, her girls all looking me awkwardly as I swept right past them straight to you - extended hand out in invitation for a slow groove. It was the latter stage of the night and the slow jams were on cue. I collated the balls enough to at least ask for a dance and try acting like I was confident doing it, conjured up the ballz to just go in and ask for the number all the while trying to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown. In the times that followed I called her, not too often, not too far apart - just enough to forge a long term connection where she didn't feel threatened with my intensity, holding onto the idea of a chance that alas never happened. Since that time I've never forgotten to greet her in text a happy birthday even if contact was only limited to once a year - but she was able to firmly plant herself into a lasting place in my mind reserved only for a handful. Of course I never told her that. As of 2014 our social cliques coincidentally collided and I've found that I've been in regular enough contact with her once more. Rather than old memories flooding back I'm starting to appreciate the woman she is now. Just the other night we met up for a casual dinner/catch up and had such an honest conversation about life, friends and all that while she sipped on some tea and I with my frappe. Time past quite swiftly as we looked out to the busy city dwellers hustling by with deadlines in the eyes and destinations to be at seen in the stride. Time just past by while we chilled were in our own little world. It may be trivial to her or not, but instances like this make me fall all over again. However, in true deja vu one of my new found brothers happen to fall in awesome like for her - what do I do now I wonder? Do I try once more to pursue a cause I'm not even sure will ever be reciprocated back? or do I follow what I've always done and to let the bro code take place and let the whole thing slide. I wonder quite often. I wonder if you've ever thought any of these thoughts too. Contrary to the fact I thought I accepted, this chapter still remains to be written and closed some years nearing a decade later.
This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and close peeps. Some big things happened this year including the day our dear brother Raynor passed, he was punched at a house party out west, landed head first directly onto the concrete curb and never woke up from coma. It was a death that shocked the very core of the community with whom we shared so many friends with. Most importantly he was the little brother to the boys and I when we all discovered Hiphop and dance in highschool. A 21 year old champion of a person, dedicated boyfriend of many years to one, son to a pair of proud parents, and an ambitious soul who had just graduated university.
This year has also been an interesting one to say the least for a favourite couple of mine Jen and Luq. Invidually, they have had such big years and I hope my presence has helped them even in the slightest. Jens dad past away this year after succumbing to renal failure, unfortunately his queue on the transplant list didn't come soon enough, in an ironic and sometimes hard sort of way to understand - it was a good thing he past on. The suffering he would have had to endure further while alive sometimes make even the strongest souls question their existence. He never went through that and instead held his integrity as a father and husband together, a legacy worth leaving behind. I wish I'd properly hungout with him earlier and gotten to know him, but the stories I have from Jen are priceless in itself. Top bloke for raising top kids. Luqman is the first of any friend of mine to be diagnosed with cancer, discovered only after a casual GP checkup earlier in the year. What followed in terms of biopsies, surgery and waiting really isn't a place I want to find myself often in. As a Nurse, it really strikes you differently when the heart strings are involved.
Fortunately however, he was given the all clear without the need for chemo which was a MAJOR breath of relief (I'm in with the parents! haha).
Bless that he never has to ever go through that again. The worst I feel that these two peeps went through was that fact they weren't a couple when all this shit went down. For their own reasons they were single but they never lost the love to make sure the other was at least ok, Often channeled through me there were a couple of er er moments for myself being in the middle - but glad to say everyone involved were troopers and came out laughing. Luq never did waiver in caring for her even through it all - the face he had when Jen rocked up to Arthouse the night everything took a turn for the better was PRICELESS. Jen in all her mood swings that followed couldn't resist the fact she just felt as strongly back. Inpsirational to see from a single guys perspective that such love does excist. happy to see the couple back together once more forging an even path for themselves.. with Amy in close toe hehe
I just discovered that I owe 3k for my bachelor degree to the government + a 12k debt for the masters I attempted last year + 5k in credit card debt. Not the best place to be right now but I am certainly on the right path to get past this. I absolutely hate owing money and this has got to be the worst financial position I've found myself in. First sacrifice was to can Mt Everest trip scheduled for November as well as any other significant travel plans. For now I fish! Bringing it all back to the opening statements, 27 is a very interesting phase of life to be in - dad gave me one of his 'talks' and asked me in true daddy fashion what I plan on doing when it came to "women".. for the first time he agreed with my words of holding onto the next girl I meet that I care for instead of playing around... he didn't tell me to keep playing around! MINDBLOWN! but anyway
I can't exactly say this year has been the greatest, it certainly has had a fair share of downturns but also a few upturns. I'm no Viking believing in the wheel of fortune, nor am I Buddhist to believe in karma, but I certainly hope all the bad energy has been expelled this year leaving in place a hole to be filled with greater things to come.
Meanwhile I'll be me, I'll be straight and always keep a positive forward-thinking melon on my shoulders.
All in baby
peace.
Chiapoco
Been an eventful day. Spent some nice mother/brother/me time today while mum got her MRI done this morning. Went to the gym afterwards with brother chiapoco to smash out some arm workouts. As much as I hate it I think I'm starting to enjoy it once again. Spending time with the brother is always a good time anyway. Came back home mid arvo and plonked myself onto my chair... here I am hours later
I had a momentary light bulb moment today while I thought about who I should call out to hangout. It dawned on me suddenly - I'm a 27 year old bachelor. 27! for some reason I can really feel the jump between 26 to 27, more so in the last few weeks since one of my bestmates Master P went official with his mrs. I'm truly into my late 20s and a bite size 3 years away from 30. It's a slap to the mind every time I say it to myself. Rewinding back to 16 year old self of mine, I imagined that I'd be married by now well on the way to considering a family.... haha fuck that - anyway - that's where the bachelor part of the realisation comes in... not really a thought in relation to myself, but the resulting conclusion after observing my social circles.
Absolutely everyone (exaggeration) I know that's close close to my daily grind have entered some sort of relationship or caught up with the thought of one. GADDAMN, no one's happy being single. I can't even pass the time with any adventures since I'm quite bogged down with shitty repayments. I'm not saying that being in a relationship is a problem but I suppose the idea that my intentions don't align with taken peeps really bums me out, what can I do about it though? priorities really do inevitably change.
But I digress..
As always, I am happy being single, the freedom cannot be taken for granted! and I don't EVER have to deal with asking for "hall passes" from the other party which I've always thought was a real joke. I've got mates who are always at a collar and leash length away from their girlfriends. That's really messed up, what the story is behind closed doors? no idea. On the topic of women, an old flame of mine has been starting to reignite lately and I'm not quite sure how to take this. She's been a friend of mine since we were young. I met her one night out in town. I vividly remember her standing out from the rest amongst her own friends, pretty ricky in the background, her girls all looking me awkwardly as I swept right past them straight to you - extended hand out in invitation for a slow groove. It was the latter stage of the night and the slow jams were on cue. I collated the balls enough to at least ask for a dance and try acting like I was confident doing it, conjured up the ballz to just go in and ask for the number all the while trying to stop myself from having a nervous breakdown. In the times that followed I called her, not too often, not too far apart - just enough to forge a long term connection where she didn't feel threatened with my intensity, holding onto the idea of a chance that alas never happened. Since that time I've never forgotten to greet her in text a happy birthday even if contact was only limited to once a year - but she was able to firmly plant herself into a lasting place in my mind reserved only for a handful. Of course I never told her that. As of 2014 our social cliques coincidentally collided and I've found that I've been in regular enough contact with her once more. Rather than old memories flooding back I'm starting to appreciate the woman she is now. Just the other night we met up for a casual dinner/catch up and had such an honest conversation about life, friends and all that while she sipped on some tea and I with my frappe. Time past quite swiftly as we looked out to the busy city dwellers hustling by with deadlines in the eyes and destinations to be at seen in the stride. Time just past by while we chilled were in our own little world. It may be trivial to her or not, but instances like this make me fall all over again. However, in true deja vu one of my new found brothers happen to fall in awesome like for her - what do I do now I wonder? Do I try once more to pursue a cause I'm not even sure will ever be reciprocated back? or do I follow what I've always done and to let the bro code take place and let the whole thing slide. I wonder quite often. I wonder if you've ever thought any of these thoughts too. Contrary to the fact I thought I accepted, this chapter still remains to be written and closed some years nearing a decade later.
This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and close peeps. Some big things happened this year including the day our dear brother Raynor passed, he was punched at a house party out west, landed head first directly onto the concrete curb and never woke up from coma. It was a death that shocked the very core of the community with whom we shared so many friends with. Most importantly he was the little brother to the boys and I when we all discovered Hiphop and dance in highschool. A 21 year old champion of a person, dedicated boyfriend of many years to one, son to a pair of proud parents, and an ambitious soul who had just graduated university.
Big things in store for him up above so for now RIP Raynor, don't ever stop the boogie.
This year has also been an interesting one to say the least for a favourite couple of mine Jen and Luq. Invidually, they have had such big years and I hope my presence has helped them even in the slightest. Jens dad past away this year after succumbing to renal failure, unfortunately his queue on the transplant list didn't come soon enough, in an ironic and sometimes hard sort of way to understand - it was a good thing he past on. The suffering he would have had to endure further while alive sometimes make even the strongest souls question their existence. He never went through that and instead held his integrity as a father and husband together, a legacy worth leaving behind. I wish I'd properly hungout with him earlier and gotten to know him, but the stories I have from Jen are priceless in itself. Top bloke for raising top kids. Luqman is the first of any friend of mine to be diagnosed with cancer, discovered only after a casual GP checkup earlier in the year. What followed in terms of biopsies, surgery and waiting really isn't a place I want to find myself often in. As a Nurse, it really strikes you differently when the heart strings are involved.
Fortunately however, he was given the all clear without the need for chemo which was a MAJOR breath of relief (I'm in with the parents! haha).
Bless that he never has to ever go through that again. The worst I feel that these two peeps went through was that fact they weren't a couple when all this shit went down. For their own reasons they were single but they never lost the love to make sure the other was at least ok, Often channeled through me there were a couple of er er moments for myself being in the middle - but glad to say everyone involved were troopers and came out laughing. Luq never did waiver in caring for her even through it all - the face he had when Jen rocked up to Arthouse the night everything took a turn for the better was PRICELESS. Jen in all her mood swings that followed couldn't resist the fact she just felt as strongly back. Inpsirational to see from a single guys perspective that such love does excist. happy to see the couple back together once more forging an even path for themselves.. with Amy in close toe hehe
I just discovered that I owe 3k for my bachelor degree to the government + a 12k debt for the masters I attempted last year + 5k in credit card debt. Not the best place to be right now but I am certainly on the right path to get past this. I absolutely hate owing money and this has got to be the worst financial position I've found myself in. First sacrifice was to can Mt Everest trip scheduled for November as well as any other significant travel plans. For now I fish! Bringing it all back to the opening statements, 27 is a very interesting phase of life to be in - dad gave me one of his 'talks' and asked me in true daddy fashion what I plan on doing when it came to "women".. for the first time he agreed with my words of holding onto the next girl I meet that I care for instead of playing around... he didn't tell me to keep playing around! MINDBLOWN! but anyway
I can't exactly say this year has been the greatest, it certainly has had a fair share of downturns but also a few upturns. I'm no Viking believing in the wheel of fortune, nor am I Buddhist to believe in karma, but I certainly hope all the bad energy has been expelled this year leaving in place a hole to be filled with greater things to come.
Meanwhile I'll be me, I'll be straight and always keep a positive forward-thinking melon on my shoulders.
All in baby
peace.
Chiapoco
Wednesday 26 February 2014
Dance, Music & Love
1540
Track inspiring the words of this post belongs to a Free The Beatz Compilation - Granular Ambience
Dance is the release, the build up of tension. An indicator of self acceptance. A medium to portray ones true self. Dance is limited by the imagination of the mind, body and people surrounding you - it'll take you to a place beyond every idea you have of the world, if only you would let it take you there. Dance entices people to become addicted to an artform that brings you to a euphoric sense of being. Tis' the pure and heightened sense of knowing that anything is possible... no that's not quite right.... Tis' the pure and heightened sense of knowing that anything you can conjure up can be made to be possible. Be an open mind. An open book. Be empowered to create and recreate moments that uplift your soul.
Music is the door, dance the key - towards into a room full of love and endless possibility.
Love for dance can be likened to that for the love you have for another human being. It's the same euphoria you find your mental state wallowing in. The absence of doubt and regret, the multi-tier levels of emotion amalgamated into one pot of positive and negatives - aka positivity at it's greatest coupled closely with that of despair and helplessness. Even the most mentally adept are unable to fully escape the downturn moments in life but same same people should always look to move forward.
Love - to like it or be in it. Which is which?
Often hard to distinguish between as outlined above, they both take you back and into a place where nothing matters and everything is positive. Even the negatives are invalid points. Everything is fair game.
Often hard to distinguish between as outlined above, they both take you back and into a place where nothing matters and everything is positive. Even the negatives are invalid points. Everything is fair game.
Being in like revolves mainly around the thoughts of infatuation, superficial, temporary comfort, pleasure and fun. It never lasts however. This is a place where people get hurt in exchange for a temporary moment in time - a phase if you will of "genuwine happiness". I guess the question is however, do you enter this knowing that it won't last or blindly enter and hope it evolves into something real? I know where I'm at and for those that know me. I'd say fuck it and take the risk. Anything is possible as is the theme of this post. Possibility. Being in like is the most common experience I've noticed amongst couples and there is no predefined length of time to discreetly tell that apart from being apart. It all ends the same. However the worst type of "love:" I've witnessed even a very close friend of mine is the love that is bound to the word "comfort" aka couples who latch onto one another not because it makes them a better person but because they have a desperate need to be with someone for the sake of it. To be comfortable knowing that they are wanted not because they are a better person because of it. That is absolute horse shit and sets out to ruin many relationships. The most artificial and fabricated sort of love is the one you create for yourself to legitimise the fucked up insecurity that one has. Taking this one with a grain of salt.
On the flipside the only type of love that there should be is the one where you are truly into it. Mind, body and soul. Where you accept you're partner for all that they are good, bad and everything they have to offer you. I'm a firm believe of dating someone that supplements what you have rather than complimenting what you already do. As in - being with somebody that has something new to offer your life, to make you a more well rounded person rather than taking on the crap you are already familiar and comfortable with. Can't judge too much on this though, as long as it makes you a better and more positive person. Unfortunately for this good mate of mine though he's fucked and has been since he has met this person.
Fast forwarding my own story from what was just over a year ago now since my longest term relationship I've once again found myself back on the boat of independence and freedom until of late. Met a lass, exchanged some initial good vibes and interest and now I'm here half hanging onto something that seems to have ended before it has even established. I have lost many minutes worth of sleep over the last week now, so I know for a fact I genuinely am interested in this person - Portuguese - very different to the type I normally go for but she's a kick ass person overall. Pray she never finds this blogspot cause that would be some embarrassing shit. I've met several women in the last year and each and every one has been casual for me, making that a very deliberate point to make in every situation. Every time however they tried to wife me which unfortunately led to the end of each of those chapters. For the first time in a long while I've taken a very different approach with this lass. We spoke, we had breakfast we hung out, many many times before I even tried for that first kiss. May have been late in the night, people tired as hell - but that first time was more satisfying then any casual relationship - it was great. However, the vibes when we don't see each other is completely the opposite. For starters, for a lady that's on her phone 24/7 I don't get nearly the amount of conversation I used to get with her the first few times we met. Was that the honeymoon phase? already over? haha that's fucked up. Only some couple of weeks later I'm here wondering why the vibes are all over the shop, hot/cold etc. That's left me hanging onto the thought. "What the fuck just happened?" I give excellent advice to people that need it and I know the Chris in this situation would have already told the person to ditch it and leave. All the red flags are there. Ah well it's one son of a catch 22 and I intend on riding it out. Just last night, I had the chance to briefly talk to her about it - or to be more specific to bring up the subject cause then she had to jet some 3o seconds later.
"I'm confused"
"I'm confused"
"Everything is all up in my face"
The only key phrases that came of it.
ba bowwwww - gg
ba bowwwww - gg
I've asked for her to have a proper chat with me to clear the air and sort where we're at with each other. While I secretly hope we'll be an item I know where this is going. Infact, what I'm really waiting for are those golden words. "It's not going to happen"
haha dayum. That's some pretty deep shit. Unfortunately to my initial rant about dance, this isn't one of those places I want to lull around in. Reminds me of my poor 19 year old self trying desperately to figure out how to get out of a situation and that was some pretty poor effort.
haha dayum. That's some pretty deep shit. Unfortunately to my initial rant about dance, this isn't one of those places I want to lull around in. Reminds me of my poor 19 year old self trying desperately to figure out how to get out of a situation and that was some pretty poor effort.
Hopefully the track is still playing, otherwise play it again.
Peace
Chiapoco
1735
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