Started my day as usual today. 6am wake up to the brisk winter mornings. Hopped onto the CBR125 I bought last week and off I went to work. Work and the list we had today was quite uninspiring, just a stack of removal of diastasis screws in a few people, and again nothing too crazy about the patients that came through today. Liver transplant on call that I am still fairly new to means 7am shift starts. Finished work, visited the bike workshop around Marrickville and got paid out for riding around on a tin can not worth repairing - straight to Gumtree it went onto this evening
I had a very forward and mind opening talk session with my boss yesterday afternoon right before I was done with my shift. Turns out that the cogs we once spoke about many moons ago have finally started turning and an opportunity has presented itself. Best case scenario, I'll be one of the youngest NUMs to work at the tender age of 27. Great achievement for myself if it comes to fruition- at least now I have a goal and the rest of my year seems a lot clearer. On the same token however, I'm a little reserved about jumping into such a position. Our POD(3) has taken quite the beating in recent years and there's a tonne of shit to fix up and bring back up to speed, not to mention the old schooler heads that need uprooting and realigning to suit the goals of the many rather than just themselves. Needless to say, I'm going to have one tough and very exciting 6 months ahead of me.
The love department. I realised I haven't updated my blog since this started... allow me to talk in the 3rd person to try and explain this peculiar situation to my future self. A lot of great lessons have been learn't and just as many great frustrations.
JVS is a person who you work with. She was a new grad when you met her and she's also very young in not only physical age (22), but also experience. I wouldn't say she's a naive individual although she lacks relationship experience - she in fact rivals your 27 year old self for perceptiveness, natural instinct and generally getting past by trusting her gut feeling in most circumstances and people. She's also made you realise things about some people who you thought you knew well and brought to light things that she noticed which you never did. Like brother and his manipulative ways for example. She's never had a boyfriend and by nature is extremely mentally guarded. At this age of 27 you've developed a deep appreciation for a lady. Well mr 27 year old version of yourself. This woman is an utter Lady in the grandest way possible. She is The Lady of your time so far. She's also got a dash of hippie - not hipster - hippie, think Tigerlily. You like many things about this lady - she's full of humour of the sarcastic kind, hair colour that is ever changing with the seasons, darker during winter, lighter during summer. She has hands that have never been held by the male kind until you came along and tried. Her beach body is so curvy and for lack of a better word - hot. Being a butt guy you were not disappointed, being open to other areas of the body apart from the butt you were equally just as pleased - when she finally let you roam some 6-8 months after seeing each other - she was equally as satisfied (even if she denied it). The body never lies and you took her to a place she obviously has never been to before the other night. The best feature (ironically) about her is her trusting nature and how there is absolutely 0 likelihood of any jealousy and insecurity sprouting in the most simple of situations that you have been accustomed to accept otherwise. She is what I can only call a passive Alpha... she receives all the attention without knowing and while she doesn't command it now she's the type where people follow her lead if they themselves aren't aware of it. She's ambitious and her focus for what she's done for herself so far demands your respect - and you've naturally given that. The passive to her alpha is where the 'wrench' in the works start to appear however, and there are plenty of major issues and finer subtleties amalgamated to form a real significant dilemma.
She is completely clueless about the expectations you have about relationships. She won't call, she'll cancel plans on you last minute, she won't communicate when days go by and you haven't spoken. She'll retell stories of how she liked the guys in the past and wanted a couple of them to actually ask her out - but they never did. Yet it's been 8months chasing her and she doesn't want to go out on a date or be seen with you in public amongst her friends or your own. She doesn't drive to you when she reluctantly agrees to hangout and you have driven or public transported your way to her every-single-damn-fucking-time. The greatest irony is that your focus isn't even to have sex with this lady. She's just put the brakes to your playa ways without even trying, it's so annoying knowing all this that it gets almost infuriating - infuriating because nothing you've learnt as a single guy works on this lady. You're back to your 16 year old self dumbfounded and out of luck. When you call once, twice, three times she never replies back. When you send a message on facebook cause she didn't call back, she'll read that and not reply at all. You're completely stumped as to what you need to do but bring it back to basics. With this girl you need to and still are exercising a level of constraint, patience and compromise within yourself that you have never been known to do. You haven't had the slightest inkling of messing around with other women while you chase this lady. Need I remind you, it's been 8 months and you still haven't gotten anywhere but a few steps up the rungs on the physical ladder. Everytime you invite her out on a date or ask to clear up the situation you're both in the answer is always the same, always - 'maybe' or 'I don't know'. The old Chris would have ditched this situation a long time ago and perhaps at this point in time is still a viable option. I wonder future self, what actually became of this situation and what kind of thoughts you're pondering about as you read this minute passage in your life because right now I feel like it could still go either way, even though it's nearing towards the good part of a year or chasing. You really don't want that to happen.
I sit here after these past few months after freshly deactivating facebook. Law and behold for a lady that never makes the first move she comes running asking if I've deleted her. I'm quite fed up with these games which I'm sure she isn't aware she is playing with me. I've been very stand off ish with my replies and yet she still replies. Perhaps this is a reaction to freaking out that I'm getting over things with her? who knows? I honestly don't even think she'd care that much if I just stopped and actually just got over things. You still don't honestly feel she has any sort of committment to you. Just the other day the only thing she answered to your question of "do I drive you crazy?" was "I dont know, but you definitely have an effect on me"
- What the hell is that mean't to mean? yeah I'll hangout with you, go out with you, make out with you.... but I don't want a relationship with you is the impression I'm getting. My greatest asset and at the same time the greatest downfall for me is my ability to think. With this lady, all my thinking prowess ends up debilitating my mental mind state more so than actually developing it... well that's how I feel anyway I know I'm better off going through all this considering I have had some real shockers in my time. She doesn't affect you badly, just makes you exercise mental muscles you have never used before - and unfortunately there are no protein powder milkshakes to help this mental exhaustion recovery faster.
So what do you do? do you keep chasing? and risk putting yourself in a vulnerable position even more than you already have, continue investing for something that seems so liable as it is an asset?
Or do you stop chasing? risk losing something potentially great, risk falling short of something that's obviously been progressing. Slow progression but still progressing?
Who knows and at this point in time you're still at 50/50 odds and 50/50 mindstate with how you're going to deal with the situation. Guess you really have to bring it back to basics and just execute a style/trait you know very well. Freestyle
Chris Chiapoco
11-6-2015
22:46
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