1438 -
Suns out. Relatively overcast. 25 degrees or so. Surry hills bustling with the
usual crowd, businessman talking money, hipsters, a stack of foreigners
visiting and the typical funky feel that an area like this provides, along with
the lack of parking. Spring is in the air and the trees are starting to bud
once more. The ambience of what is to be the best part of every year is coming.
I turned
30 years old yesterday morning at precisely 0810. I didn't think my 30s would
be a momentus happening and for the most part I still feel the same as I sit
here now - typing this at some Surry Hills cafe. I don’t quite understand nor
felt the ‘30s’ hype that many people go on about. I still don’t. So many people
treat 30 as the end of something so intangibly important – that is the 20s.
However I look forward and am absolutely stoked with the unknown and what the
next decade will bring. Having gone through the high of highs like N2S, meeting
my love(s) of my life and most recently witnessing the birth of the most
incredible little human beings that belong to some of my closest circles –
Carter and Khalila. It’s a sign that times are passing, chapters are turning
and that everyone at the end of the day are in it for their own ride through
what we call life.
My
sickness from 2015 through to 2017 was a low point in my life so far. Besides
battling through legal issues to do with my car, the lawyers and smashies all
taking chunks of monetary flesh off me I also had the added stress of learning
how to become a NUM. To most it may seem trivial what I had to go through –
perhaps they just don’t understand because it was that far deep? But I
certainly came out a more rounded person – but not totally unscathed. It
surprises me to how far my resilience could take me. I always knew I was a
little bit of a hard ass/headed, but that all came rushing to my aid when shit
went south. Twice, I went through cancer scares and twice I got through it as
smooth as anyone could. Funnily enough I think the biggest stresses in my life
was to do with work. An amazing challenge, but not a job for the feint of
heart. To really dig deep and add a dose of passion to what you do really takes
out of the individual in a place monopolised by politics and self interest. It
would be naïve for me to think that it is something unique to Royal Prince
Alfred hospital but truth is that’s all I’ve ever known and that it is
something common to most places. What am I going to do about it? Leave and find
my own way, create my own ‘thing’ where I can call the shots. Nothing
frustrates me more than seeing a problem, providing a solution – then being red
taped because someone doesn’t want to look bad for not having thought of it
first? Simple shit like that shouldn’t exist. Perhaps I’m just too much of an
idealist but that’s a focus I’ve decided to take on for myself, after all. We
all just want to be a better person right. All in all, the last few years can
be compared to my psycho ex girlfriend when I was 19. The only psycho I’ve ever
dated. She put me through my paces, broke me down to mental smithereens but I
put myself together again and came out better than ever. That’s how I see my
last few years in the 20s and am forever thankful.
Friends.
This is an interesting one. I had one of ‘those’ garage sessions with one of
the boys back in May, drinking, smoking and dosed up on the magic shrooms. One
of the revelations we had is a great summary of how friends should be and mean
to us, how they currently are and how my circle of close knit friends have been.
The reason we are friends is because of our connection to one another a type of
connection and relationship that I do not witness very much at all. Infact, I
can’t even think of another group that have something similar off top of my
head. Whether it was through dance, being neighbours, via sports or lifelong
friends. We ALWAYS come back to the flock. My journey throughout my 20s saw me
enter more new circle of friends than I could care to remember and each circle
I bounced and moved on from including the crew of boys that I grew up with and
left at 19years of age when I left Enerjetix. However, these are the very same
crew of boys that came out of the wood works for me when I thought I was going
through a cancer scare and in the middle of being sick. Not only did they reach
out, we cried together at the mook. The rest is history and the revelations
continued to arrive. These boys are my foundation and the circle – the ones
that flew to me, a solo sickly young guy in his 20s. And they were there for me.
I pray that everyone is given this revelation sometime throughout their lives
even if it’s just once, it’s the greatest feeling to know who your people are
and how a display of interconnectedness for when times called for it. I owe
these fellas that sort of loyalty I didn’t think I could develop for any group
of people.
Family. More
often than not I find myself reflecting and realising that my parents won’t
always be around. They are not the once vibrant fighting fit young couple I
always saw them to be in my youth and it’s a reality I know will continue to
develop. In her later years, mum has become a lot more sickly and her kidneys
and heart have given more grief. She recently had a defibrillator put in after
an eventful trip the Philppines. 2 hospital admissions is what it took for her
to realise that it was time to come. And we fought every step of the way while
we were separated. She’s still as hard headed as ever, thanks mum. The time I
spent at home after my last/most recent operation was a welcome change – I managed
to spend more time with her. Time I doubt I would have found if life hadn’t
thrown so many lemons. There were ironic little moments spent such as her
leading the way while I struggled to catch up to her during one of our many
walks around the suburb, I think this secretly reminded her that fitness isn’t
bad and that she needs it to be better – I hope it sticks while I am in Canada.
Dad has always been the quieter of the two. A hard worker all his life and
prioritised my brother and I over all else. Together, my parents are the best
team even if they don’t always feel it were the case. Because of them, my
brother are as strong as human beings as we are because of them. I love them
both. Little brother needs a little kick up the arse every now again but he is
always moving forward which is the best thing anyone could do. Courtney, well
they’re gf and bf at this stage but I certainly hope that those two get
together. I don’t know who else could put up with my brother the way that I do.
Canada.
It’s been a long time coming, but finally PLAN D has sprung into action and at
such a pivotal time of my life as well. It’s an exciting and nerve racking time
- the way it should be. As I explained to
numerous friends already, the lawyers are done, the cars been paid off, the
other cars been sold, I’ve racked up 2.5years experience as a manager when I
only expected 2. My recent developed
love for the snow combined with my bucketlist goals of living overseas and
revisiting Canada have all converged. The gut instinct is in the right place
and I’m taking advantage of the mental prowess I’ve developed during my ordeals
into something much more positive. The most recent happening is my realisation
that money isn’t bad, especially when you make it work for you. This, is the
mentality I have leading into what is to be the gap year I never had coming out
of highschool/university. And I feel so damn excited about the prospects. I
have a 2 year VISA approved for Canada, but that’s still up in the air. I was
thinking about sticking it out for 2 years and gallavanting exploring Canada
but perhaps I will be back in 6months to kick start my investments and
portfolio. Who knows. Who cares. Let’s just shred for now.
Love. The
theme of all that this blogspot has come to be. Finally I am 30. What have I
learnt so far from the very first moment I realised what these feelings for
another person were?
Well.
-
Love. Like. Puppylove
Crush. Despite what anyone ‘labels’ the feelings are all the same and I feel as
thought people almost downplay or trivialise these feelings when in essence
they bring about all the same emotion and experiences. The lesson? Love hard,
love strong, love till you can’t love anymore. And even then, ‘moving on’ in
some cases requires the most love of all. Think Bernadette
-
Love does not
discriminate. It does overcome all obstacles. Labels whilst not necessary
require two people on the same wave length. Why doesn’t the logistical part
work if the feelings are there? The catch? Well it takes 2 people. Love alone
isn’t all that you need. Real life effort is just as important. Think Jesse
-
Don’t be a pushover.
Don’t be naïve. This is a hard one. ALL experiences teach people a lesson but
it’s the ones that have the most profound impact on our minds and bodies that
we remember the most – including pain just as much as the good times. How do
you learn from pain when you strive hard to not let anyone in? or take
advantage? Well I don’t have an answer and when the older me looks back perhaps
you will. For now, the worst thing that anyone could do is block yourself from
connections for fear of pain, fear of commitment. I believe this is where I am
now with love. My psycho girlfriend taught me that being good isn’t good
enough, a dose of realism is the best way to take advantage of a bad and turn
it into good. She shattered me mentally into a million pieces, but I grew so so
far beyond my years as a result. Think Monica.
-
Love comes in all
shapes and forms. It’s our job to accept, not question when it comes knocking.
For you’ll always second guess and strive as a result for something that you
already have within your grasp. A love so profound it’s hard to believe it’s
real. I once had a gf who given this day and age – I would marry in a
heartbeat. She picked up the remnants of me and put me together again with only
the most positive vibes and dedication. It was almost artistic. The great white
buffalo who got away. Think Linny Sou.
-
Love as a commitment not
as a convenience. I’m not really sure how to elaborate on this but it makes the
most sense. My most recent ex 5 years ago now came to Australia as an exchange
student, we got together we loved – but we never made plans about our future? She
was a hard one to befriend because she was just as much a cynic as I was –
however we got along, we loved. Time to move back overseas it ended? Love
taught here I suppose was that if you commit to that path, be committed
wholeheartedly. Because she was present with her body I thought her mind was
just as much too. I was wrong. Heartbroken somewhat – but disappointed more
than anything else. Convenience to avoid fear, convenience because it was just
easier, convenience because they gave you a home is the worst type of love to
have. Be all in. Don’t hold back and most important of all communicate. Think
Susie Moozar
I’m 30.
Older and somewhat wiser, and always looking forward. The next step for this
decade is to alleviate myself of the rat race and to be able to walk into a
home that I called mine. Dedicated to all the hard years that my parents worked
for us and for the foundation for the future generations that I hope to someday
have. It’s an exciting time to be alive.
(3 days
later)
1452
